Friday, February 5, 2010

How to Win at Rock, Paper Scissors (You've got issues. We've got answers.)

Ahhh, the melodious sound of yet another petty argument about whose turn it is to take out the trash, walk the dog in 10 degree weather or crawl into the snake infested crawl space to thaw out your pipes. Just another day in paradise.

Unless you're on the losing end of these arguments, of course.

Whether you're a wimp at heart or just fond of being able to spend the night in your own bed, if you've had about enough of coming out on the losing end of arguments with friends, family and your significant other you're going to need a better strategy than sheer stubbornness. It's time for a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors?

This time honored tradition doesn't just come with three easy-to-do hand motions and rules even a first grader can get. It also comes with its own set of top secret strategies designed to make sure that even when you're the one sitting on the losing end of an argument, you're not the one walking away a loser (because really, if why would you want to toss a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors out there if you were winning anyway?).

According to the USA Rock, Paper, Scissors League (yes, it really exists) the first rule of Rock, Paper, Scissors is that rock is for rookies. When you're playing against an inexperienced player, expect them to want to come out strong. Rock's going to be the first move they throw down on the table! Lead out with paper, and you'll be waltzing in roses while they're waltzing around the bathroom, toilet brush in hand.

That's especially true if you're playing against a man. Statistically speaking, although scissors is the least played move in RPS (Rock, Paper, Scissors) history women with a little experience under their belt are more likely to lead out with that than any other move.

If your opponent has put the smack down on their rock twice in a row, go ahead and put scissors or paper on the table next time. Most players aren't going to play the same move three times in a row, so you'll either tie or walk away the victor. You're also pretty safe going with whatever move would have lost to their last one, since the subconscious just has to stick its nose in where it doesn't belong and try to outdo itself.

When you've got absolutely nothing, go with paper.

If you absolutely, positively cannot stand to lose another round of Rock, Paper, Scissors (and heads are going to roll if you do), I recommend therapy. Immediately. While you're waiting for the shrink's office to call you back, however, you can always cheat.

Yes, you can, in fact, cheat at RPS. Go figure.

The best way to make sure you're the undisputed champ in your house (and nip arguments in the bud with the mere threat of whipping out your mad Rock, Paper, Scissors skills) is to hold back your throw, just a split second, and check out the angle of your opponent's wrist. If it's straight ahead they're probably going for rock. 45 degrees or more almost always indicates scissors, with paper falling somewhere in the middle.

This requires split second timing, however, and shouldn't be used if there's money involved. (Wait. Why are you putting money on a game like Rock, Paper, Scissors anyway? You may want to speak to your shrink about your gambling habit while you're at it…)

Rock Paper Scissors:
How To Cheat At Rock Paper Scissors

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