Wednesday, February 17, 2010
How to Pack for the Zombie Apocalypse
2012 might not be the magic day (ancient calendars are so unpredictable) but the end of the world is coming. Sooner or later, the end of humanity is going to be upon us…and zombies are leading the charge! With all that gnashing and munching on brains, we ordinary snack foods are going to have to be well prepared (and well packed) to stay two steps ahead!
No well planned zombie apocalypse would be complete without an emergency cellar filled with canned food and plenty of water. That is, of course, if the zombie apocalypse is going to end one of these days. I wouldn't count on it.
Instead of a cellar, pick an RV and load it up. You'd think with over half the human population on a brains-only diet, veggies would be easier to come by. You'd be wrong. Fresh fruits and veggies are going to be a thing of the past if the zombies don't stop eating the workers, so take advantage of them while you can!
Don't forget to buy a hefty supply of cow brains. They're not quite the same as human brains, but it should distract the zombie horde long enough for you to hop in the RV and make your getaway.
There's nothing like sporting a $700 suit to make you NOT want to get eaten (as if you needed more incentive). Remember, clothes make the man. A lack of clothes makes a meal.
I suggest plenty of leather and denim. Demon hunters swear up and down they're harder to bite through! Don't forget your cold weather gear. Sooner or later it's going to be impossible to avoid taking that winter trip through the mountains. Most humans have the good sense to stay hidden when the snowy winds begin to blow, so zombies are usually starving in the wintertime.
Contrary to popular belief, running for your life isn't actually one thrill after another. There are hours and hours of boredom interspersed with moments of sheer, unadulterated terror. Load up for the terror, prepare for the boredom.
You need to pack light so you can ditch the truck if it gets overrun, so don't bring collectibles or antiques with you. Trashy chapbooks and outdated textbooks are great entertainment, because you can read them once and throw them away without feeling guilty about it!
And if you have to slow a zombie down, a nice, solid thwack! from a 30 lb. textbook should do the trick.