How to Pack for the Zombie Apocalypse

2012 might not be the magic day (ancient calendars are so unpredictable) but the end of the world is coming. Sooner or later, the end of humanity is going to be upon us…and zombies are leading the charge! With all that gnashing and munching on brains, we ordinary snack foods are going to have to be well prepared (and well packed) to stay two steps ahead!

The Food

No well planned zombie apocalypse would be complete without an emergency cellar filled with canned food and plenty of water. That is, of course, if the zombie apocalypse is going to end one of these days. I wouldn't count on it.

Instead of a cellar, pick an RV and load it up. You'd think with over half the human population on a brains-only diet, veggies would be easier to come by. You'd be wrong. Fresh fruits and veggies are going to be a thing of the past if the zombies don't stop eating the workers, so take advantage of them while you can!


Don't forget to buy a hefty supply of cow brains. They're not quite the same as human brains, but it should distract the zombie horde long enough for you to hop in the RV and make your getaway.

The Clothes

There's nothing like sporting a $700 suit to make you NOT want to get eaten (as if you needed more incentive). Remember, clothes make the man. A lack of clothes makes a meal.

I suggest plenty of leather and denim. Demon hunters swear up and down they're harder to bite through! Don't forget your cold weather gear. Sooner or later it's going to be impossible to avoid taking that winter trip through the mountains. Most humans have the good sense to stay hidden when the snowy winds begin to blow, so zombies are usually starving in the wintertime.

The Entertainment

Contrary to popular belief, running for your life isn't actually one thrill after another. There are hours and hours of boredom interspersed with moments of sheer, unadulterated terror. Load up for the terror, prepare for the boredom.

You need to pack light so you can ditch the truck if it gets overrun, so don't bring collectibles or antiques with you. Trashy chapbooks and outdated textbooks are great entertainment, because you can read them once and throw them away without feeling guilty about it!

And if you have to slow a zombie down, a nice, solid thwack! from a 30 lb. textbook should do the trick.

How Do I Do That?

Are you a home improvement enthusiast? An avid do-it-yourselfer? Are you looking for the answers to life's big questions about flooring, carpeting and all those other projects you've been putting off since you decided to move out and bid a fond farewell to your landlord?

If you are, go to the URL bar at the top of this page and type in http://www.google.com/. You're in the wrong place, but they'll help you get back on track sooner or later!

This how-to blog isn't about learning how to fix your house, fix your car or build the world's greatest treehouse. This is the place to come for the answers to life's even bigger questions, like how do I get my kids to eat their veggies? What's the secret behind solving the Rubik's cube? How do you convince the gamers in your house to step away from the computer? How do vegetables without arms play the tuba? Is there a secret to finding jeans that fit without having to try on every pair in the store?

And how are you going to survive the zombie apocalypse?!

Yes, that's right, we're going to deal with the issues. The issues the newspapers don't touch with a ten foot pole! All right, so it doesn't look like much right now, but give us some time. It took over 800 years to build Rome, after all! In the meantime, come back often-and if you have ideas for a "How To" blog, or would like to be a guest blogger every now and again, shoot me a note at GibbyBear13@gmail.com and let me know. Or comment below. Or don't. It's up to you.

**The usual addendum: This blog is strictly for fun. It's not intended to replace the advice of a medical professional. You cannot sue me if you followed the advice listed here and it didn't work. And if the zombies really do come, don't take the time to read this blog. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!**


Here's to building a blog by the people, for the people. We might not change the world, but if we work together we might be able to make it a little bit easier to live in!